What a Fool Believes About Kamala Harris
Her values haven't changed, but all the other stuff has
Are you looking for a Presidential candidate for all seasons? One who comes from a middle-class family, perhaps? There’s a bespoke, poll-tested Kamala Harris individually designed and prepackaged just for you. For her progressive, recreational marijuana card-carrying friends, there’s Harris 1.0, whose values haven’t changed, even if her pronunciation of her own name has. She’s the candidate who chided Elizabeth Warren for failing to commit to banning Trump from Twitter, the candidate who, when asked about the threat posed by North Korea, said that Donald Trump is the “greatest threat to the national security of our nation.”
She’s the candidate who pimped for the Green New Deal, supported free health care and sex change operations for illegal immigrants, pledged to carry out a mandatory gun buyback on “assault style” weapons, and answered “absolutely not” when asked if any illegal aliens who haven’t committed other crimes should be deported. What’s that you say, Harris 1.0 was too far left for your tastes? Well, don’t worry, my suburban friend, there’s another Harris you can vote for, Harris 2.0, a purveyor of Brand New Talking Points, a beneficiary of an extreme makeover, a girl boss extraordinaire.
Brand New Kamala Harris (BNKH) is a gun owner! And not just any gun owner, but one who wants to waste intruders too. Concerned about the border? Never mind that the Biden-Harris administration opened the floodgates to more than 10 million migrants who streamed across the border in 2021, 2022, and 2023. BNKH has some great talking points to share with you about the border bill of February 2024, which would have fixed everything if only that meddling Donald Trump hadn’t gotten in the way. Oh, and don’t you know, she’s prosecuted gangs—not just any gangs but TRANS-NATIONAL gangs people!
BNKH is gonna reintroduce that border bill, whatever the hell it was called, so fast your head will spin. Oprah told her to, you know. BNKH is gonna build a wall too! Wait, what’s that you say, my man-bun wearing, ACLU tote bag carrying friend, you don’t want a wall? Well, I will refer you back to what Harris 1.0 said back in 2018, when she compared ICE agents to the KKK. So yeah, more border agents but also, they are Klansman too.
Harris Will Decide How Much A Loaf of Bread Will Cost
We all know that stimulus checks and other government largess didn’t light a fire to the inflation problem. The real problem was those greedy ass huge corporations—you know, the ones Donald Trump wants to buy new big screen TVs for—that keep overcharging us for groceries. Don’t worry, she’ll fix ‘em good. When BNKH marches into the White House, the middle class girl from Berkley whose values have NOT changed will tell their sorry assess how much a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk will cost.
Not into Harris 1.0’s Medicare for All plan? It’s okay, she’s from a middle-class family and is going to create an opportunity economy and stuff. Your personal safety will also be ensured by BNKH. Forget all that Harris 1.0 stuff about reimagining or defunding the police. Now tough cop CopMala is on the case, and the criminals had better be scared. Remember, she was the top cop in California, a state super well known for its safe and orderly streets.
What’s that you say? Do you seriously have the nerve to grumble that all her positions have changed? Au contraire mon ami! BNKH’s values have NOT changed. There’s gonna be equity for all yo unburdened by what has been. Who knows, maybe reparations too, but only if y’all want ‘em. Remember, we all started somewhere different, but we’re all gonna end up in the same damn place. She’s going to preserve democracy and freedom and other stuff too, now roll up that sleeve bro, Pfizer has its 11th booster coming out.
Now you better not be listening to any of that racist and sexist DEI candidate nonsense Trump has been peddling. Remember, Harris 1.0 was in a very solid 8th place with 2% in the primary polls shortly before Biden tapped her to be his VP. Sure, calling him a racist helped, being from the swing state of California didn’t hurt. But as her boss likes to say, come on man, she was clearly a merit pick. That should have been abundantly clear when Harris insightfully explained the Russia-Ukraine war this way in 2021.
Ukraine is a country in Europe. It exists next to another country called Russia. Russia is a bigger country. Russia is a powerful country.
Powerful stuff. And if that didn’t convince you of her brilliance, what about her deep meditations on the significance of the passage of time or her thoughtful appreciation of school buses and Venn diagrams? If you can’t recognize the brilliance, folks, you don’t deserve to see a packed Supreme Court and Puerto Rico and DC added as states.
BNKH cares about YOU either way. She wants to know if you’re okay. And she wants you to know it’s okay to not be okay too. As long as you vote for her, she’ll be your best friend, she’ll butter some toast for your lazy ass; if you’re hungry, she’ll prepare a word salad for you with croutons on top. She’ll stack your daughter’s wrestling team with biological men and mandate non-gendered locker rooms too if that’s what it takes to earn your vote.
So vote for Kamala, she’ll get to the root causes of everything and provide equity to key voting blocks. She’ll stop the stop the steal all day child. BNKH will personally frack in Pennsylvania, if that’s what it takes. She’ll find affordable health care for Sleepy Joe and make Dr. Jill the surgeon general. Harris will talk to the Pope about getting George Floyd officially canonized as a saint too. Are you a college graduate? A member of the LBGTQIA+ community? A two-spirit person or whatever with many nuanced and ever-changing pronouns? BNKH is there for you. Perhaps you’re just a lowly cisgender white male? It’s okay, even you can be re-educated. Remember, she’s from a middle-class family, just vote for her and she’ll unburned y’all from what has been.